Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, all it takes is a clever opinion piece about the NBA, mixed with the knowledge that one of my guy friends is clearly obsessed with the Bachelor to turn that frown upside-down. So here’s another “column” by the witty Alex Post.
When I think of the things I waste time on, TV recaps might be the worst. Not that I spend a lot of time reading recaps of episodes of my favorite shows, its just that ANY time spent reading such recaps is time wasted. I mean, we’ve all agreed at this point to start treating television programs as legitimate art, as long as they’re on premium cable or AMC, maybe F/X. But still, lets call it what it is; whether you’re watching “Mad Men,” Season 17 of “The Bachelor,” or “Real Housewives of Fresno,” you’re kinda killing time passively watching tv. Which is fine! Who cares what we do with our time. I’m just saying I doubt Neil Armstrong looks back on his life and wishes he had caught more “I Dream of Jeannie” episodes.
But man, to read recaps of episodes you just watched? That’s killing time by rehashing the time you spent killing time. If you’re like me and that’s not regressive enough, you can continue down to the comments to view other people wasting their time critiquing the recapper’s waste of time analyzing a show that is a waste of time.
Watching sports is at least a little different, because unlike “Mad Men” or “The Bachelor,” sports are unscripted (notwithstanding Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals), so there is (should be) more drama and excitement. But all the same, at the end of the day we are passively watching pointless competition between athletes loyal only to the highest bidders that own the teams that use your tax dollars to build stadiums that charge you $10 for a 6 oz beer.
Meanwhile, the sun rises, the sun sets and we all march on inexorably to our deaths (most likely myocardial infarction during Season 43 of “The Bachelor.” COD: broken heart.)
While we wait, how about some recaps of the NBA Playoff action so far!
Let’s start with the Eastern Conference.
Previously, on Bulls v. 76ers:
I predicted the Bulls would win out, but that Philly could take a couple games if Rose was rusty.
Well Rose looked fine…until he crumpled to the floor with an exploded knee at the end of Game 1. Even without Rose a lot of people (read: me) figured Chicago would still be able to handle Philadelphia by relying on their great defense. But after their leader went down, the team seemed lost. And as every fan of “The Bachelor” knows, you can’t make it to the finals without a Rose. Philly won in 6.
(An MRI image of Derrick Rose’s ACL)
Previously, on Hawks v. Celtics:
I predicted the Celts would prevail in Game 7. They’re currently up 3-2 with a chance to close out the Hawks in Game 6 in Boston tonight. (Score at halftime: 47-41, advantage Boston)
Will they do it? They better. After losing Game 5 by 2 points, another loss, at home, would be pretty brutal. I’m not going to write much else here because it will be (from my perspective)/is (from your perspective) outdated at time of publication. The NBA playoffs, where temporal distortion happens. I will note, however, that whatever the result, the play of Rajon Rondo has to be seen to be believed. He’s dropping dimes like a meter maid with Parkinson’s (13 assists/game AVERAGE in this series.)
Stay Tuned for: (4) BOSTON (?) v. (8) Philadelphia
That is, stay tuned to see if this is the match-up. It probably will be, but anything can happen in sports, that’s why they play the games. Well that, and because they’ve already inked multi-million dollar television broadcast rights.
Assuming we do see this match-up, what a cool series. Two Atlantic Division rivals with storied histories going at it. The 76ers don’t care/know about that history though, as their mean age is approximately 17 years old, and none of them graduated from college. They’ll look to run the Celts out of the gym with a series of complicated plays called: GO! Meanwhile the Celtics sport a team full of historical wax-museum statues from the 1998 All-Star game. The Sixers smoked the Celtics the first time they met this season, 103-71. But Boston beat Philly the last time they met 103-79. So, I don’t know? Actually, yes I do…
Prediction: Boston in 6.
No way this no-star Philly team gets past Mr. Playoffs Paul Pierce and triple-double machine Rajon Rondo. Unless Pierce is really hurt. I’m getting pretty sick of all the injuries this season and this playoffs. Keeping with the tv theme, Boston is like M*A*S*H. And by that I mean most popular in the 70’s and 80’s.
Previously, on Heat v. Knickerbockers:
I predicted the Heat would win in 5 because I have the gift of pre-cognition and used it to peer into the future, and in lieu of stock tips I checked the playoff standings.
Also I follow this team and know 1) when they play well, they’re unbeatable and 2) they don’t always play well. This particular Heat team, 2 years in, still has team dynamic issues. And by that I mean, is MVP LeBron James the MVP of this team, or is that Wade? In their one loss to the Knicks, Carmelo played out of his mind (41 points), but the Heat still had the ball with the chance to tie or win it in regulation, and Wade dribbled around before launching a contested jumper… while LeBron stood basically motionless in the corner. Is that Coach Spoelstra’s fault for not coming up with, you know, an actual play? Or LeBron’s fault for not cutting to the basket or coming off a screen for a three or doing anything basketball related? I don’t know, but I do know that losing a game in that fashion in the first round is not very champion-like.
Previously, on Indianapolis v. Orlando:
I predicted Indy would win in 6, but it only took them 5.
I also said to watch out for Ryan Anderson, but that was a typo, it should have read: don’t bother watching any of this series. What a snooze. Poor Orlando never had a chance without Dwight Howard, though Glen “Hyper-Thyroid Infant” Davis played about as well as he could in Howard’s absence. Meanwhile the Pacers played better basketball and ran around and generated about as much heart-pounding excitement as the (non-nude) Game of Thrones exposition scenes, i.e. all but 7 minutes of every Game of Thrones episode.
Stay Tuned for: (2) MIAMI v. (3) Indianapolis
The Pacers played better this season then did New York, so they got a higher seed for the playoffs. I don’t think the Pacers are necessarily better than the Knicks team the Heat just throttled though, the Knicks just had issues. And while Indy is a nice young team playing good basketball, the Orlando Magic had zero superstars and Disney World, a playground for children. Miami has 2.5 superstars and South Beach, a playground for adults (term used loosely.) So while Indy was able to ice Orlando, now that they’re in the conference semi-finals, the games (pause to put on sunglasses) are about to Heat up. Sorry, that was dumb. This series will be as well. Still, always fun to watch the Heat (cut to: everyone in LA, New York and Cleveland doing spit-takes), and Indy is at least built to run with them and maybe even work them inside a bit with Rot Hibbert. It wont be enough.
Prediction: Miami in 5
Once again, I expect Miami to dominate an indubitably inferior team, while still managing to drop an away game when LeBron invokes Ghost Protocol late in the 4th quarter.