Why I Hate the Ravens: Part Deux

This one, I will keep short.  Not for any other reason than the fact that I am on my lunch break right now and a girl’s gotta eat.  Let me emphasize…it is NOT because I hate the Ravens any less.

Number two reason: The fans

Ravens fans have no soul, you know, for the most part.  Sure I am friends with a few, but none of them understand why I could care less about their devil-hearted team during football season.  Besides, a few of my friends have no soul and it’s not because they are Ravens fans.  A kid I knew growing up in New Jersey used to stab squirrels in the forest behind his house.  I also once was friends with a guy in college who could bang every girl in sight and not do his laundry for an entire semester.  These things, and being a Ravens fan, might be some unforgivable sins.  Combined, you might be the angel of death.

Here are a few quotes I’ve dug up from Ravens fans I know, and no, they don’t seem bad at first:

“Ravens are clearly the best team in the DC area”

“Ray Lewis’ charges were dropped”

“Steelers fans are so annoying”

“The Ravens are doing awesome this year, aren’t they?”

I’ll get into #s 1 and 2 in a later post, but I’d like to address #3 and 4 now and dispose of them with a sweeping and general statement about Baltimore, one that will surely enrage about half of my friends:

Ravens fans actually think they have the right to complain about Steelers fans.  Ravens fans think they themselves aren’t annoying, but Steelers fans are.  Here’s a little bit of a reality check—you’re all annoying.  The Steelers fans are annoying because they’re so greedy with all their titles and all they want is more.  And Baltimore fans are annoying because they clearly don’t have as much to brag about, but do anyways, all. the. time.  And worse yet, they complain about how annoying every other fan is (Steelers fans are douchebags, Redskins fans have red-headed stepchild syndrome, Browns fans are sore losers).

This extreme form of narcissism exists only in a place as dismal as Baltimore, where you cocoon yourself in a state of denial of the city you live in and pretend like bad is good.  Like, the crappier your city is, the more proud you are to be a resident of it.  Like Detroit or the entire state of New Jersey.  In fact, all around Baltimore, there are these benches that say “Greatest City in America”.  It’s no wonder people think the Ravens are the best thing since sliced bread—everything else around them pretty much sucks.  The Orioles certainly aren’t any good anymore.  The Ravens are the ONLY thing they can brag about.  And brag they do.  And they do it, unknowing that any non-Raven fan they are talking to really doesn’t care.  And if they’re talking to a Browns fan, well, good luck to you, buddy.  Here’s a little piece of advice—you think that other people care about how the Ravens are doing, or better yet, are ambivalent just because we don’t share a division?  You’re wrong.  A bunch of us just bite our tongue to be nice because we know you have a condition where you can’t recognize when people don’t want to hear about your team anymore.  

This narcissism also extends to the Ravens’ owner, but I’ll write about that later.

Additionally, besides any “legitimate” reasons to be a Ravens fan, (which I only count either 1. you are a born and bred Baltimorian and have never liked any football team before the Ravens or 2. you were born into a family of Ravens fans.  I may also accept spousal affiliation if you never had a football team of your own), there are a few unacceptable ones as well:

1. The team colors (no, this is no joke): I once heard a Ravens fan legitimately argue that she became one because of the colors.  She liked purple.  I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed for her as a woman or a fan of a franchise full of criminals (I’ll get to that later) without even knowing it.  

2. Because they’re good: I have a growing disdain for this reason as I get older.  Being a fan of three very crappy franchises right now, I cannot fathom how loyalty is so lost on people that they would abandon their own, albeit sucky, teams to be with a winner.  I’ll take my faithful fan-base any-day.  After all, isn’t that the same reason why people in Baltimore hate the Yankees?

OK, I think I’m done with my rant, but mostly because I just used up my lunch break and still haven’t eaten.  

*As a disclaimer, I have to say, I don’t hate the actual CITY of Baltimore.  I was there for a business conference two years ago and had a delightful time.  Though I do have to say that I was almost assaulted for a slice of pizza.  I did however, meet some very friendly firemen, go on a paddle dragon boat, see the jellyfish at the aquarium, and drink lots of Yuengling.  I also had one of the best sandwiches of my life that managed to fit five kinds of meat in it.  My friend Erin also bartered with a woman who barely spoke English to buy a brand new fedora.  And I like the Wire.  So there.  But Ravens fans are another story.  It actually sort of annoyed me that my hotel thought they were doing me a favor by giving me a room with a view of M&T Bank Stadium.  But then again, it’s an excusable medical condition, so I let it slide.

*As another disclaimer, I will also say, I am from New Jersey and proud of it.  The more you hate on it, the more proud it makes me.  Case in point, we’re all a pretty sick bunch.

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